Dear God

Dear God,

It's been a while hasn't it? I know I don't have to tell you that I've been struggling terribly this past year and half or so, but I have. I've been struggling with faith and belief, and even though I don't want to say it, whether or not You're even there.

What happened to us? I know that if I were to say one of us dropped the ball, one of us moved, one of us broke the ties, I'd be saying that one of us was me.

Well, as you know life is what it is right now. Like most of the world we're struggling financially, and like most marriages, we're struggling to not let our finances get the better of us.

I don't know what would be appropriate at this this time to ask for, so I'm going to ask for what I know I need most in my life.

Lord, I'm broken. Every time I think I've figured out where a piece goes, 10 more fall out and shatter in front of me.

Please, please put me back together again.

Unanswered Questions

I was staring at the clock, my mind willing me to fall back into my dreams and abandon the absurd idea that I should shake myself awake and get ready for work, when I heard the first siren. It was quick and nearby. I dreamily thought to myself as I pressed the snooze, "Someone's in trouble." It was a few short minutes later when another siren, then another penetrated my sleep and beckoned me awake. There was no avoiding it now, time to get up. As my feet touched the floor, I felt the vibration of a helicopter overhead, and my heart sank. "They're not in trouble, they're hurt," I murmured to myself. Later, as I turned onto the freeway, I saw in the opposite direction many lights from rescue personnel, and I became very saddened. Over the years, living in such close proximity to one of California's major highways, I'd been witness to many tragic collisions, and this had all the unfortunate signs of yet another.

It was only a few years ago that a friend of the family had passed on that very same stretch of highway. One night, sitting on the front porch, my sister and I were deep in conversation when we were interrupted by the familiar sound of rescue sirens and helicopters. The next morning she called. It was Daniel. My brother's best friend. His tire blew while he was driving, the car spun out of control, he was thrown from the vehicle, and died. He was 19. Home from college to visit.

The whole community rallied together to support his family. There were car washes, donations, bake sales, yard sales, any type of fundraiser we could muster. Who ever thinks "I need to buy my baby life insurance"? It was at one such fundraiser that a woman drove up. She approached me, not hesitantly, but with a very sad look on her face. Daniel, like us, had grown up on the "poor" side of town. The majority of the people who'd rallied together in support had grown up in the same neighborhoods we had. This woman looked to be out of her element, and I wondered if she was lost or perhaps thought this was some sort of church function (since that was our current location and there was one going on just then). When she was only a few feet away she held out her hand, and it was a check. I looked down as I reached for it, and in the top left hand corner I saw her name and knew immediately who she was. Her son had also died that year. After battling cancer for several years he'd gone home to be with God. As I looked into her face, my heart broke. I could never adequately explain what I saw there. It was the face of a saddened and anguished mother who was burdened with the sorrow that weighs on your heart when you lose your son, but also the face of compassion for the woman she never knew who must also grieve the loss of a son, but also a look of gladness at the love support the community was offering.

I thought of her that morning as I passed the sirens and lights. I thought of her the whole day. We all grieve the loss of a loved one eventually, but the loss of your own child is an unimaginable grief that no one ever wants to experience.

What do you say to God, I wondered, in the throes of such unexplainable anguish and sorrow? How many times has something not worked out or not happened, only to be for the best? There is always some comfort in saying "God knew what He was doing." But, what do you say to God in a situation like this? What kind of rock solid, grounded faith do you have to have to make it? Then my mind pondered, What does God say to you?

As those questions rolled around my mind again and again, I thought to myself, I must find an answer...

In Love With Sin

Have you ever heard people say "the devil made me do it"? Recently, I was in a class at my church, and the teacher was lecturing on sin. I've heard many lectures, sermons, discussions on sin, but I had never heard anyone refer to the sinner as she did. She said, "they were so in love with their sin..." Those words hit me with an indescribable force, and as my mind was swept away to thoughts of my own recent transgressions, I had to choke back tears as I realized the devil didn't make me do it, he didn't have to.

You see, I had this sin in my life, the kind that distracts your mind, your day, and destroys you bit by bit. I tried and tried, and prayed and prayed, but try as I might I could not evict that darned sin from my life. Then one day the scales came off my eyes, and with clear vision, I finally made it home.

But those words, "in love with their sin," they haunted me. They had humbled me and changed me, and made me realize how unworthy I am, and how blessed I am to be loved by Jesus. So when a friend confided in me that he was partaking in a "small" sin that he felt he could control, I cringed.

You see, that's how it begins...
First: You decide to give into temptation, and partake in a "small" sin.
Second: Once you've given in your weakness is exposed, and the temptation comes back, and you can't help yourself, you partake again.
Third: You decide to let this "small" sin into your life. After all, God knows you're only human, ultimately you'll be forgiven because you love Jesus, and it's not a big deal you can control it.

I know this is not the case for everyone. There are those who resist the temptation, that's great! There are those who give in, but repent and don't give in again, that's great too! But those of us who willingly sin, and think we can control it are wrong. You see, it is as Jesus Himself said, "No one can serve two masters..."(Matt 6:24) If you let sin in (we all sin, because we are all sinners, when I say "sin" I mean that someone or something that you let come between you and God, because you're unwilling to let it go,) it becomes part of your life, in the same way that Jesus became part of your life when you accepted Him as your Savior. However, if you focus on Jesus, it makes hard to love that particular sin. If you focus on your sin, it makes it hard to focus on Jesus.

When I willingly let that one sin become part of my life, with no inclination to stop it, I willingly put Jesus on the back burner. I didn't want to be labeled a hypocrite, so I made Him my "secret" friend. My sin came with friends and a lifestyle, and I fell in love with both. Although I'd prayed and prayed about the sin, I was not willing to let go of my new lifestyle, or image, and those were part of the sin. By the time the scales came off, I had shed my old Christian life, and replaced it with a new sinful life. I had to knock down that structure and begin a new foundation for a new structure built of truth, not sin. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, but He took me back still.

If there is something in your life that is causing you to sin, something you think you are controlling, I urge you to evaluate your life, and consider giving it all back to God. You may not be as in control as you think.